@mrjohndarby

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

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@shatterpants

I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”

@AllyBallyBeal

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

@ShutUpThatsWho

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

@Fab_Mommy_

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

@ArcaneAndAdrift

Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off

@iwearaonesie

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

@thequeensheart

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

@ArfMeasures

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

@TheBoydP

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.