@mrjohndarby

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

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@EyesOfGreen73

PSA: If you have kids, do not label the box of your …ahem.. special items “Toys”. It’s very awkward to explain.

@Moochava

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

@Gupton68

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

@Kaminapun

*termites on date*
Waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
Termite: table for two.

@AddledPixie

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

@Browtweaten

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

@apollilaire

hello id like a reservation for two. also what is yr policy on cats. i wanna bring like seven cats. ive practiced fitting them on one chair

@smashbrown_

U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?

@EndhooS

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”