I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
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Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Not now, kids.
Mommy’s boiling the Easter bunny.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.
I got 4 hours of sleep.
Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.