[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
💁🏻♂️
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Meme Monday.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.