PSA: If you have kids, do not label the box of your …ahem.. special items “Toys”. It’s very awkward to explain.
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
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Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
*termites on date*
Waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
Termite: table for two.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
hello id like a reservation for two. also what is yr policy on cats. i wanna bring like seven cats. ive practiced fitting them on one chair
U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.