[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
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Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I can also cook 😂
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
how it started vs how it ended
I love the National Park Service.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
dads on road-trips be like
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.