[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
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All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore