[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
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Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
The smoothest fall of all time
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“you changed” bro i was 15