[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
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Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.