[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
You Might Also Like
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My first son he is wonderful
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
meow
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.