[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met

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The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.


Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption “Summer is finally here!” or we wouldn’t have known it’s summer.


I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..


My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.


I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.


If you haven’t nervously googled “signs that your child is a psychopath” are you even a parent?


I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored


Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.


I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.


I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .