@JediGigi

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

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@Darlainky

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

@KKAlThani

Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption “Summer is finally here!” or we wouldn’t have known it’s summer.

@NutttyV

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

@joeljeffrey

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

@friedmanjon

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

@dadthatwrites

If you haven’t nervously googled “signs that your child is a psychopath” are you even a parent?

@anerdonfire2

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

@DominicStraw

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

@fridaycandy

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .