[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
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Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?