[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
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for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My dad.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Monday?
No. Next question.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*