1.) Buy 35 coats
2.) Goto the movie theatre
3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
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Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike ‘flip-flop on issues’ but the politicians we like ‘evolve.’
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
*Makes sex noises getting into clean bedding*
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.