[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

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“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes


Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about


Travel Agent: Hello sir! Interested in a vacation?

Me: *puts cat on the phone*

[20 mins later]

Travel Agent: I’ve got you booked for Maui


My english teacher was a fan of CAPITAL punishment. She despised small letters


My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu


I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.


Where is your 1,000 word essay?
“Right here”
*pulls out selfie*
That’s a picture…
“A picture is worth 1,000 words”
*becomes valedictorian*