@JediGigi

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

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@AndyAsAdjective

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

@mc_funbags

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

@JuiceTooWayvie

Bro i hate when babies start acting brand new like mf it’s me, i just saw you last week and we were best friends don’t do this to me

@TheHyyyype

I have no idea why my downstairs neighbor always bangs his ceiling with a broom whenever I have people over. Does he need help sweeping? I can’t right now dude, I’m having a party.

@drewtoothpaste

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

@InternetHippo

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

@bobblegagger

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.