[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
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my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.