@LaziestCanine

[1st date]
Maybe next time i could meet your dog

[2nd date]
Your dog is so cool

[3rd date]
Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you

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@Cheeseboy22

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

@Brianhopecomedy

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

@CourtRundell

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

@kashanacauley

The next James Bond is just going to be three hours of him trying to get all his info off Facebook.

@siano4progress

Just got pulled over for swerving. Did a breathalyzer, BAC was 2.8

I told the cop “I drink and drive all the time. Get over it.”

Got arrested. Car impounded.

I’m not worried. I’ll just tell the judge it’s Obama’s fault. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll blame the fake news media.

@jonnysun

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

@KentingtonC

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

@hiitsmolly

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

@Timmsmiff

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

@MichaelLarrick

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.