[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
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My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Trying
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
what day is it?
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
when you don’t want to be too vague
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.