[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
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It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I told my vodka about you.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven