1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
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In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Fiction has to make sense.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.