Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
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You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up
Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
So I’m still newish around here…
What are the rules about Canadians? Does everybody get one? Do I get to choose? Where do I sign up?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up