[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

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My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.


[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT


If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.


The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.


Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.


“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application


Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”


Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”


*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”