@ojedge

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

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@kwkorpi

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

@CAshmanActor

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.

@PaigeKellerman

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

@Tmoney68

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

@SadPeruna

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

@kodeeezzzy

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

@headway10

Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”

@Smooheed

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”