[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
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You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
all bases covered
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian