@JediGigi

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

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@Rollmaninoz

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

@CheryeDavis

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

@novicefather

[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
w: no
h: nice hotel?
w: no
h: pretend to be homeless
w: YES

@okayestgoalie76

Me: “Siri, find me the nearest Starbucks”

Siri: “the addiction hotline is…”

Me: “no, I said….”

Siri: “Oh, I heard you!”

@TheHyyyype

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

@MorticiaKate

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

@brynnester

Me: *making out with GF on couch* Your parents are out. Why don’t we take it up a notch?

Her Dad: *crashes in thru window* Touch that thermostat and you’re dead

@noog

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

@thecrabbyhook

You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.