[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
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My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby