[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
You Might Also Like
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
peak technology
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds