@WritePlay

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

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@thedad

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

@dadamantium

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

@MantisBlue

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

@WalkingAnxiety

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

@AmishPornStar1

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

@ddsmidt

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

@AlmightyBored

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

@shesananteater

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

@_davidlucas_

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.