[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
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4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…
Me, in the DMV waiting room
join me in holy matrimony you coward
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.