*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
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[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
That’s amazing.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are