[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
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8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”