[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen
*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot
*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
*runs into dental hygienist in store*
Me: How are you?
Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*
Me: Not so easy huh
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[Giving a toast]
“It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident.”
should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room