@FranksGrapjes

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

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@jonnysun

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

@annadrezen

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

@cynthiajones11

I’m at my most Michael Phelps when I find out someone has peed in the pool.

@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Girl? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie (sigh): Let’s go over it again: 1 bark means I’m hungry; 2 means let me outside; 3

@ArfMeasures

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

@Megatronic13

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

@caperbc75

“Can I help you find something?”

I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”

@ronnui_

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.