@FranksGrapjes

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

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@Rica_Bee

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

@Annoyinglyhappy

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes

@_ElvishPresley_

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

@ankles_so_weak

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

@Mr_Kapowski

*runs into dental hygienist in store*

Me: How are you?

Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*

Me: Not so easy huh

@mydmac

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

@3sunzzz

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

@TheBoydP

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

[Giving a toast]
“It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident.”

@Kalarlis

should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room