1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
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Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters