1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

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i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg


A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally


I’m at my most Michael Phelps when I find out someone has peed in the pool.


Him: What’s that, Girl? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie (sigh): Let’s go over it again: 1 bark means I’m hungry; 2 means let me outside; 3


JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY


Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it


“Can I help you find something?”

I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”


Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.