[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
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Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”