@Laser_Cat

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

You Might Also Like

@caliluvgirl77

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

@Token_Geezer

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

@causticbob

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

@DadandBuried

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

@skickwriter

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

@citizenkawala

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

@ArfMeasures

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

@MikeCanRant

I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering “Your end is nigh, letter boy.”

@_Water_Baby

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!