[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

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Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?


Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that


I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.


5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.


M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.


Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.


I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.


Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him


I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering “Your end is nigh, letter boy.”


My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!