[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
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The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets