[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
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I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Well, this explains it:
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to