Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
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A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.
Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
10: What does AF mean?
After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?
10: Mom said you were lazy AF.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
17: Want to see a movie?
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.