[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
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[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.