I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
Thought I heard clattering
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
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Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.