[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
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new career option?
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.