{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
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My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
podcasts
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.