she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Yup….perfect score!
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed