[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
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[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.