*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
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Same pineapple, same
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar