[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
You Might Also Like
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Wake me when AI does housework
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Taking phone security to the next level.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,