[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
You Might Also Like
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I didn’t come here to be called names
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Mornin. * use accordingly
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them