[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
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ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.