[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
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Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
this is literally a CIA plant
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*