[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
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I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
i baked you a cake
Good morning y’all ☀️
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice