[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
You Might Also Like
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Sorry I made promises on Friday
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
🐕🍷
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.