[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
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Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
They did not miss in the small print
Me :
All Day At Night
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Good boy 😂😂