[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
You Might Also Like
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.