[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

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Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.


Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports


purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again


I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.


Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.


*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri


Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.