@daemonic3

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

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@aveuaskew

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

@thepunningman

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

@fuzzlime

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

@Freudianscript

I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

@notalogin

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

@TheNYAMProject

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.