If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
You Might Also Like
Jean shorts on men should be called Danny Dukes. Or Daisy Dons. Or maybe just Poor Life Choices.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Willpower? Sure. It’s in the garage with my unicorn.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10