[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
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Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.