[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
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THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”