[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
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ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)