(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
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I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I am crying
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.