@DanKCharnley

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

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@sarcasticmommy4

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

@o__0Dev

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

@james_comics

he was a skater boy
she said “more potato boy?”
she was his grandma serving lunch

@unburdenunbound

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

@stevevsninjas

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

@mommajessiec

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor