Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[1st day as undercover cop]
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
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No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
he was a skater boy
she said “more potato boy?”
she was his grandma serving lunch
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor
Defense: I have a boyfriend