[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
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My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
good work, detective
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
accurate
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
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Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*