[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

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Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?


Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn’t have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.


Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you.

Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon?

[from my stomach] I’m right here


You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.


I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.


“I’m so self-conscious”
“I’m a very private person”
“I’m the shyest person I know”

*posts 43 selfies a week*

– girls on Instagram


I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat


If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.


I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will enjoy my scrambled eggs.


Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.