[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
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Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?