(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
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Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Happy birthday to all the women
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.