Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
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Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I just wish God hadn’t hidden all of my talents so well.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
If Sean Spicer announces his own resignation, is it true?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor