It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
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Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
TEETH IS INNOCENT
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap