(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
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I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I’m not lazy
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.