*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
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Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Lmbo
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Dogs should be allowed to drive.