@Mr_Kapowski

[1st day in Hell]

Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-

Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?

Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!

Me: Ya, snacks

Satan:

Me:

Satan: 3 pm

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@jellybnbonanza

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

@_debbii3e

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

@dullandwicked

just found out that the name for a bat in old cornish dialect is ‘airymouse’ and literally nothing better can happen today.

@bourgeoisalien

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

@PinkCamoTO

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

@Darlainky

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

@_steamy_mac

From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.

@NathanBgood

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

@parilani

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no