My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
[1st day in Hell]
Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-
Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?
Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!
Me: Ya, snacks
Satan: 3 pm
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First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
just found out that the name for a bat in old cornish dialect is ‘airymouse’ and literally nothing better can happen today.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no