People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
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Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now